I am not sure where to start but my head is racing and I just can't take it anymore. I need some family encouragement and advice desperately! I find that I am back sliding more and more each and every day. I feel myself slipping further away from my Saviour and closer to the lies that this world has to offer.
I wish that I could say that my life is going great, which at first look it seems to be that way. I have a great house, a great husband, a job and a baby on the way with less then 3 months till she is born. But I am screaming on the inside of it all. I find myself angry a lot and unsatisfied, wanting more and filling that unsatisfaction with lies of this world.
Satan has blinded me from the love that the Lord gives me each day. I feel worthless and unworthy of His love. The Lord keeps providing for me and I can't understand why. Just last night while I was cleaning the lobby at my work I found a $5.00 bill and thought, "Why Lord, why do you keep providing for me when I don't deserve it. When every day I don't pray, I don't take time to be saturated in your word and when I sometimes think to myself , "I don't want to be a Christian anymore." I hate that I think this!! It is always followed by, "Shannon what in the world are you thinking this for! You love Jesus! And you wouldn't want your life to be any other way." However these thoughts are scaring me.
I was talking to my sister and telling her how distant I feel from God. How when I read and when I pray I feel nothing. I feel such a disconnect. Her reply was that, "Shannon, the times in my life when I felt disconnected to God was when I needed to confess my sin."
So family I feel most comfortable confessing to all of you the sin that is in my life right now. I have not been able to do this out loud and have been putting it off or thinking that pff it's not even that bad.....
My tongue has been disgusting. I find myself swearing more and more each day and not stopping myself from doing so. I have been judging others and their lives to cover up the mess in my life. I have been selfish, only focusing on my needs rather than the needs of my family and the needs of my husband. I have been stealing food from my work and justifying it with how hard I work and I deserve it. I have been desiring my old lifestyle thinking that it would be easier then the life that I am living now. I have been feeling so sorry for myself and focusing all on me rather than pouring into the lives of others.
Please pray for me. I need it more than ever right now. That's all I really have to say. I sort of have a blank mind right now. I wanted to write more but maybe that is all I needed to say.
I love you all so much and miss you all soo soo much.
Mamma Shan
7 comments:
My darling Shannon,
You are in my prayers, for sure. Don't think that you're alone in this struggle either... We've been ruined for the ordinary. I think that dissatisfaction and frustration is the manifestation of being ruined for the ordinary... Anyways, I love you, and will be praying for you.
Can we talk and catch up soon? Email me when you're free.
So much love for you,
Amelia
I was unsure why I checked the blogg today and unsure why I clicked on your year and not mine first.
You have summed up my heart! It’s funny how we think we are all alone in our struggles of life. My sins are not the same but Mighty similar.. My heart is lusting for thing of the world. And I desire to be in a ungodly relationship even though I know its not what God has intended. I cant stop telling my self "your being Israel" A nation that saw Gods power first hand, watched him fight for them, Felt his love.. But still turned the seconded He felt distant. In that time he wanted them to grow strong they fell for the lies of the world around them. Built golden idols and worshiped the work of there hands. They reverted back to there old way of life... when they knew there was no joy in it... No love, but depression and captivity.
I know your head may know you’re not alone, I pray your heart knows this to. You have inspired me to be truthful to my self and those around me. Thank you for being used by our loving God... even when you don’t feel useful or worthy of being used, you have been.
Well done, Shannon! At a chapel this fall, the student who was leading had us each use the chapel time to memorize a passage of Scripture, and I chose Psalm 32 -
1 Blessed are those
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed are those
whose sin the LORD does not count against them
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy on me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD."
And you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
6 Therefore let all the faithful pray to you
while you may be found;
surely the rising of the mighty waters
will not reach them.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you
should go;
I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds those who trust in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad,
you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart!
If you think this was a chapter I didn't need to memorize, you are mistaken! Like you, I have felt the weight of God's hand on me for things I wouldn't give up. What you have done today is exactly the right thing, and will be tomorrow and the next day. Jesus ain't done with you (or me) yet.
Blessed are YOU!
Oh My Gosh! I think you just read my brain and put my feelings in a way that people can understand as my posts have been confusing and probably a bit misleading. Shannon I really want to talk to you about this over the phone or something...I think it would help both of us. Is there any way we can do that?
Thank you everyone for all of your support! I have been feeling sooo much better since this post. My sin was really weighing me and my heart down. It's really amazing to see how God works through you, like you said Michelle when you don't think that you are worthy enough.
Leila I would love to talk to you about this and chat but I can't really afford a long distance phone call. The only other way that I can think of is through a skype date that we can pick a time and date?? Let me know if that works for you.
And I know it was said in the post but I do love and miss you all so much!
no no worries bout the phone, skype works fine with me...umm i donno...are you on maternity leave yet? probs not
Shannon,
I'm so blessed that God has made you my parakaleo! I say this with an honest heart that I wouldn't want anyone else then you! I creep your facebook a little bit ;) and Love seeing your pictures and your video of you dancing, way past your bed time.. haha
You are an encouragement to me. Thank you for telling me a bit of your story. I want to get to know you much more.
I should come visit you and jon... and jon and I will make you dinner ;P
I love you very much!
James 1:12
Proverbs 3:5-6
I John 2:15-17
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