A man in conflict

Hello my family I believe it is time I updated you on my adventures. Now with all great adventures there is always conflict and failure, ups and downs in the story as it heads toward it’s climax. Now to pick up on my adventure where we last we must go back to the end of last summer. At the end last summer I found out that I would not be able to attend Liberty University due to lack finances. So after shedding a few tears and hitting every golf ball I own into oblivion I headed to sunny southern California. Once there on my very first day I received a letter I had mailed from India and this is what it said
Know this as well when you don’t know where to go “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make strait your paths.”
Needless to say after reading this I had a purpose where be for I was lost. I was going to go to school in California, I was going to work for my father and minister to my fellow coworkers, I was going to find a church and get into community, I had a plan. Then life progressed I realized that my going to school was a joke I had two very ease classes the first semester and only three ease classes the second semester that I couldn’t even keep up in them, even though I spend most of my time locked away studying. Now in my classes I found that I disagreed with my teachers but did not speak up because I felt that if I did I would fail the class and at times to my horror I found myself agreeing with them. For example I agreed with my history teachers that the church is responsible for atrocities like holding technological advances back in the middle ages and burning thousands of years of written history of the Mayans and causing death and destruction on an unprecedented scale, all of which unfortunately there is ample evidence for. While I also agreed with history teachers about things that I can’t help but see have shaped our present for what seems like the better. For example humanism, which I know is absolutely contradictory Christ, but which brought about the scientific method through Decarte which in turn brought about the scientific revolution which changed the world through physics, astronomy, medicine and engineering ect. I can’t help but wonder why history shows Christianity as the evil guys and these almost godless scientists as the heroes. I have also thought this year that I should transfer to a different school like Liberty or Briercrest so I wif-walfed about for a while about schools I could go to. I found that I didn’t have the money and still don’t have the money needed to go to school. So I contemplated taking a loan and even so far as joining the army to pay for school and to no surprise I am still in the same place. But I feel that if I leave where I am I will have failed God and myself because I couldn’t hack it in the real world had to retreat to a Christian bubble. As for going to work that was a joke as well, I work weekends for a corrupt company and as for ministering to my coworkers well that never happened. And as a matter of fact all work has done is prevented me from going to church and thrust me into a world of consumerism, lies and sin. Then there was going to church, I went to a couple of churches when I wasn’t working and decided that there was something seriously wrong with them they seemed to blur God and politics. For example the healthcare bill some churches I have been to, can’t seem to separate the issue form God and now that I think about it can you really separate God from politics, I don’t know. I can’t determine from scripture if God wants the government to provide healthcare or if it’s his people he wants to provide healthcare and if it’s his followers he wants to provide healthcare should we implement government healthcare simply because Christians don’t do what they are suppose to. Then there are some churches I have been to that seemed to preach the same sermon over and over again and all I see is people nodding their heads and I never grow in my faith. This year I have never got involved with a bible study or a small group or a youth group and though I tried I never had the motivation to carrier it through and the worst of it is its all my fault. I never made friends at church or in school and now I feel alone. Then there is my family and it is chaos. And that my Kaleo family is the updated of my life’s adventure.
So in conclusion to sum things up I am a man in conflict; I feel I am going insane, I feel I have failed God and myself, I am confuse and I don’t know where to go or what to do or how to get there. All I know is I am to “trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make strait your paths.” Although if any of you have any answer to my questions please tell me or if you have any advice I am open. Please pray for me pray for wisdom, strength, guidance, understanding, knowledge, motivation, faith, and purity.
sincerely
lord bb