In space

Hmmm....I will be honist, I dont really want to write this but I feel as though I have no choice. Hey guys, how goes that thing called life? Ever been embarassed to be seen in public because of where you have been and what you have just gone through? Thats me right now.

I messed up...I messed up bad. The last update I gave you guys was a while after I was raped. Well....that was a long time ago so lets just get straight to it. I dropped the charges. Please dont ask me why as I really do not have an answer that is understandable to anyone except God and myself. But I did...the day I decided to do that I was overwhelmed with people at work with my job with that situation, with my parents, what did I have left that gave me hope??? Nothing! So I went home and took 40 tylanol then went to work at mc donalds around people who refused to talk to me unless they had no choice. An hour or so into my shift I passed out on the floor and was taken by ambulance to a hospital where I spent 8 days.

8 days of loneyness...and time with just me and I guess God. Im sure he was in there somewhere. I spent a lot of time crying as I talked on the phone to my parents who told me to get out of their life until I learned how to grow up. As I listened to my boss fire me from one job then the other. Hahaha. I watched my life crash in front of me. The dr told me I had to take a month off work so I did and moved back to victoria. I watched my life go from good to bad to over as I realized that I was broke, homeless, jobless, and extremely depressed. I laughed a lot at how of course, the girl who was really trying to keep her faith alive and strong is now a bum with no hope or faith left inside of her. Where was I to go! I felt like i was floating in space and things were just flying past me as I floated...there was no where to turn.

So where am I right now? On my parents couch. After a lot of pain and frustration and anger and tears we talked...and fixed a few broken strings. Though there are many more to be repared in our relationship. I am sleeping in my friends livingroom as my parents wont let me stay in their house. I am still unemployed as my month of no work is not over yet but I have begun to look for work. I am looking for a house although I am very sure I will not be able to afford to live in a place by myself and I cant seem to find any good roommates.

Wheres God in all of this? He isnt. And that scares me. I cant seem to find him again. I have tryed and have gotten nowhere. I am the person from kaleo who no one wants to be...the one who has turned away from God and has messed up their life horrably. Hahaha who ever thought? I think a lot of people did. So this is where I am now...in space floating around hoping that one day I may be found again. Maybe through a future husband, or a new best friend, or a 4 year old...who knows! All I know is that I am lost and I want to be found again. My life needs to change...NOW!