The FLop, the Turn, & the River

Motivation?  What a foreign concept.  You would much rather stay in bed today, in fact most days it is easier to stay in bed.  Why face the world when you can sleep through it?  Loneliness is your friend, apathy your brother, lethargy your sister.  What is the point?  Why do you do anything?  You can't stand being asked "How are you doing?"   These days it is so much easier to lie and through out a "I'm fine", nobody really cares anyways.  It would be so much easier if you just ceased to exist.  It seems DEPRESSION has come out in the FLOP.

Your vision is blurred, time does not exist, nor words make sense.  You have just been told "It's cancer".  Your past doesn't flash before your eyes, more so your future.  All the things that you may have experienced have now in two words been stolen from you.  Why so soon?  Why you?  What have you done wrong? How did this....  Why have....what...  when will...why...  Why...  WHY!?  Questions with no answers spread through your mind like the very cancer that has spread from your colon to your liver, continuing to your kidneys.  CANCER has revealed itself in the TURN.

Your lying on the floor, breathing heavy, you feel the sweat that has accumulated on your shirt.  You are in an unfamiliar place with many unfamiliar people.  You know exactly what has happened.  Here, really?  Of all places why now?  Why here?  You still can't see anything, the only thing you can do is hear.  You hear your thoughts, you feel your lungs gasping for air, and you hear a woman's voice praying to God.  This woman's voice is so comforting.  Among all the unfamiliar people you concentrate on this one voice.  "God please, you can stop this, you have the power to stop this bring him back"  As comforting as this voice is you wish so dearly that she didn't have to sound so desperate and sad.  As your eyes finally open, you realize this person, lying on the ground is you, the voice your fiance  I am lying on the ground, breathing heavily, listening to my beautiful fiance's voice.  I am at a friends wedding reception.  I know that this is now my second seizure of the evening, and these sounds and feelings I have pretty much memorized as EPILEPSY has come down the RIVER.

We all have our issues, our battles, struggles, and hardships.  Mine is no different, we have all asked that question of "why?"  Some of us can't get past it, others have defied the odds and moved on from the hopeless pursuit of an unanswerable question.

I have found that these days I do not worry about the "why" anymore.  For if you trust that God's plan is perfect, that he is sovereign, and that he knows best...  Than the answer however helpful it may be is truly a luxury and not a necessity.  If we turn our "whys" into "whats" we will find that we are drawn closer than ever to our heavenly Daddy.

The past couple months have been hard.  They have also been incredibly enlightening and educational not just for me but also for Alyssa.  We traveled out to Calgary to go to Jon and Emma's wedding which was beautiful.  However at the reception I had two seizures, later that night I had a third, the next morning I had another, than in the afternoon as Alyssa, my brother, his wife Nicole, and I were walking down a fairly steep path to a climbing crag I had another.  Finally that evening as we were setting up camp i had another.  Six in two days is definitely a record for me.

My drugs aren't working, a diet doesn't seem to help, surgery didn't work...  Why is this happening to me?  Why is God doing this?  NO!  I refuse to think like that.  WHAT is God teaching me through this, what is he teaching Alyssa, my beautiful bride to be who has to worry alla the time about me having a seizure.  She also has to sit there as I have them, comforting me finding strength only from God because she on her own has nothing left.


I can't explain how thankful I am that God has blessed me with this woman.  I still sometimes don't understand why she has stuck it out with a guy who is so reliant on other people.  But I won't ask question, just keep praising God for my best friend. 

It's such an incredible thing to be brought low.  Alyssa and I began our relationship with a similar desire.  We each wanted to be as close to God as we possibly could.  If that meant we would be together than awesome, if that meant we were to go our separate ways, than so be it.  Now we see that my seizures have brought both of us closer to God.  It has been incredible to see the way that God has governed my seizures for good.  He has brought Alyssa and I into such a low place where we have no choice but to turn to Him.  His grace is truly sufficient.

In pre-marriage counseling the pastor who is marrying us (Donavan Friesen) asked us to think about something.  "I wonder...I wonder what God is preparing you for?"  I had never thought that I was being prepared for something.  "I wonder what your going to have to go through in the future that God needs to build your character up so much?"

Alyssa and I have begun to wonder to.  We are wondering what is in store for us, what does God have in store for us that requires us to be broken so extravagantly, to build our trust so intensely, and to rid our doubt so thoroughly?  Hm.  Alyssa and I continue to say after every seizure and hardship we face that we are on an ADVENTURE, one that God is leading, and one that we can be oh so excited for.

My prayer for you brothers and sisters, wherever you are in life, whatever you are facing.  Be Content (Philippians 4:11-13) When you are weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).