Getting Over Myself

I think it's time for an update. I have put this off for a while, but well, gather round. I'll pretend we are all sitting on couches in a big circle, or maybe we are in a forest sitting around a camp fire. As long as we are all together, the imagery will be enough to elicit the proper feeling for this post.

You all heard my testimony. How all my life God chased me down until I hit the proverbial rock bottom. I was ready to give up on mankind, do my best to be happy on my own, when I met someone who taught me how to look at Jesus. I met someone who showed me that my life is not my own, and, by God's grace, I believed. I sought after the Lord, and I loved him.

Since then I have attempted to live, love, grow, and serve God. After that feeling of love left me, I plateaued. I grew complacent. I looked at the people around me - people who go to church and profess Christ to their Christian friends - and joined them. I looked at God and understood that he died for me, that he loves me, and that I ought to give my life up for him. But when I looked around at my friends, I couldn't see how to do it. I couldn't figure out how I could live my life like my friends and be giving everything to God. And so, faced with the impossibility of living for God in my place, in the place where I and all of my friends are at, I contemplated accepting the fact and living as I once considered living. Living for my own happiness. I started failing more. I spent hours playing video games, no, I spent days playing video games. I worked, came home for the games, slept, and went back to work. Christian fellowship bothered me because I felt fake. I felt the Christians I was fellowshipping with were fake. My state of sin did not help. I had bought a pack of smokes, my old vice. I felt the video games were wrong, but I felt I could not stop. In one area, however, I remained obedient. I continued reading a little chunk of the Word every morning, hoping that the Lord would speak to me. As he always will, he did.

"Do not be afraid," Samuel replied. "You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless. For the sake of his great name the LORD will not reject his people, because the LORD was pleased to make you his own. As for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by failing to pray for you. And I will teach you the way that is good and right."

I needed to stop. I needed to stop turning away from God. I needed to stop comparing myself to the people around me. I needed to trust that Jesus, who was even in that state praying for me, would teach me the way that is good and right. It was the end to that chapter that made me realize that knowing these things was not enough.

"But be sure to fear the LORD and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you. Yet if you persist in doing evil, both you and your king will be swept away."

I could not stop at knowing what I needed to do. I needed to start fearing the Lord. I needed to start serving him. I needed to start worshiping him. I needed to become a radical. I could no longer live as my friends do. I couldn't judge myself according to their deeds, but instead, I needed to start asking the Lord what I must do, and judge myself according to my obedience.

At first, I was frightened. I froze, in an in-between place, teetering on the edge of a precipice. I weighed the situation. Sacrifice everything, my whole body, for everything? Or nothing, for nothing.

Today I went to Thetis Lake with a friend. He didn't know what we were doing. I had a large fence post, and a backpack with my X-Box and a pack of smokes in it. When we left the house, he was a little taken aback that I seem to never part with my video games, and perhaps more taken aback that I smoke. When I led him into the forest, he commented how ironic it was that we were in such a beautiful place with an X-Box. I agreed. X-Box's are disgusting things. This is a new way of thinking for me. They have been "treasure" to me for so long. I pulled out the X-Box and declared my intention before him and before God, and smashed it to pieces with the post. I smashed for a long time. Later we walked to an empty lot near my house and buried my smokes.

I am afraid. Afraid of the Lord, what he will do with me. What heavy blessings he has to pour out. Afraid of what else I will be smashing in the near future. For a few days I have wanted to write to you guys. Talk to you, be in touch with loving brothers and sisters. Until tonight I have had good excuses not to - a few hours on the old X-Box, a nice walk with a smoke - but tonight, I had nothing to distract me from God and what he wanted of me.

I can't stress enough how wonderful this is. As I articulate it I am realizing more and more what a blessing it is to take things out of the way of my view of Jesus. I am both excited and afraid for what the Lord will be asking me to smash next. It is as easy as grabbing a wooden beam, as hard as seeing how easy it really is. I urge you my beloved family, take what is worthless and put it away from you. Enjoy the unrestricted view of your Saviour.