Ok, so I guess I could give an update...
Ive had a lot on my mind this week. Ive been thinking about my future and where I would like to be at this time next year, and Ive been thinking a lot about lastyear. Its been a whole year since I attempted to kill myself. Though I do not remember the exact date that I tryed I do know that at this time last year I had just returned to victoria after getting out of hospital. Thats crazy to think!
I have lived with a very severe depression for a year now, and though it is not even close to being gone I am in a whole new world compared to lastyear. I do not have the joy I had in kaleo, I do not smile very often, I spend 98% of my week alone, and I have made more enemys (dont think i spelt that right) this year then I have friends, I am still in a good place. I have a FT job, I eat regularly and am able to control my emotions, I am, to an extent, financially stable, and though my relationship with my step-family has gone to dust me and my dad are on much better terms.
Ive been really struggling with the fact that I work with people who wish I didnt exist and have discovered that there are many people in my life that I thought I had a friendship with but actually dont. Im sorry if thats confusing. Its been a hard reality as Ive had to let even some of my friendships with people from kaleo go. And by letting go I mean I have to stop holding onto hope that they may still want to talk one day. Im a different person then I was in kaleo, Im a lot more mature after all Ive gone through, Im a lot less friendly, and I have a hard time even calling myself a christian anymore.
Which brings me to my spiritual life...It doesnt exist. my spirituality is one thing that I am scared to get back. And its hard to explain why because even I dont understand it but im scared. I know Gods still there and Ive seen glimpses of him through people who have reached out to me like daneille and shannon and jeremiah. Their kind words and messsages to me have really made me feel loved which is something I rarely feel anymore. So thank you guys for that, I really appreciate it. I would like to ask for prayer for this that I will be able to find God again and that I will be able to feel his love because I really miss it.
I hope im not confusing you guys...my thoughts are kind of conjumbled right now.
I think the world has given up on seeing me succeed after the past year I have had. But as I look back to where I was a year ago, broke, homeless, a smoker, and completely messed up, I think I have succeeded. I am alive, and though I am still fighting the ways of the world alone I know that I can succeed and get to the place in life where I want to be.
I really do miss all of you including the leaders, all of you are all over my house in photographs so dont think ive forgotten about any of you guys. I hope everyones weather is good and everyone is very happy to have a summer break from school. Take care K6.....
singing out
Leila
3 comments:
Leila! I was just thinking about you the other day and realizing I haven't heard from or about you in a long, long time. I'm sorry that has happened, and I was very glad to read your post tonight. I don't know if you heard we are leaving soon, for parts unknown at this point, and will be traveling and taking a break for a while. Maybe having more time, we can stay in touch better.
You are such a trooper! Remember when you applied for CIT year after year, then tackled camp jobs you didn't want to do until they let you counsel, then applied for Kaleo! And as tough as things have been this year you are still going and even letting us know about it! Your perseverance amazes me, and I am proud of you!
As silent or distant as God may feel to you, he is still there. Our feelings don't change that. A shepherd may let his sheep stray away for a while, but the sheep is still his, and he will faithfully watch over her. "No one can snatch them out of my hand," said Jesus. I can understand your fear, but it is unfounded. He loves you still, and even his discipline is faithful. Call out to him, see what happens.
Thanks for writing, and I hope our paths cross again soon. My cell number is still the same. Take care.
Leila,
I sure hope this is not a "signing out" but rather a signing in for you. I care about you so much and I hope that you will continue to keep us K6er's updated on your life. I know you've had an extremely rough go and spiritually you feel dead. I can't say I know exactly what you are feeling emotionally but spiritually I feel as though I can somewhat relate. Leila, would you like to take a challenge with me? Can we read a chapter a day and go through the NT? My aunt once said something very wise when she was going through doubt. She said that she was going to continue going to church and church events because it's harder for us to listen to God when we are so busy that we crowd him out. How would you feel if we kept each other accountable to do devotions? I haven't done one since last summer so I am definitely not a pro at this but I would like to strive for better than what I'm doing. What do you say?
Daneille
Lees,
Thank you so much for the update! i've been wondering how you are doing. I know I know I should have emailed and asked but being a mom I get lazy..so sorry!
I am too soo impressed with your perserverence! I think I would have layed down and died already but with you still striving for life shows that Christ is still in you. Still doing His work in you, sustaining you.
Love you Leila! Thanks for still letting us know what is going on in your life! Never stop!
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