Can You Hear It???

I can hear it....I can finally hear it once again. I can hear God calling me. Hes telling me to give up fighting...and give up trying to make life work on my own....and to give every little piece of my completely shattered heart to him so he can put it back together.

Today I broke...I broke down as I found out that the roommates I was supposed to move in with changed their minds and let someone else move in instead. Moving in with them was gonna save me over $500 a month....now Im gonna be homeless....again. This seems to be a regular thing for me, I find myself homeless for a bit as I try to make a new transition. But this time it really got to me and I found myself curled up on the floor bawling my extremely soar eyes out as I looked at my pathetic life and realized I had nothing left!

Ive lost any love from my family, I have lost every single friend that I ever had here in a weeks time, I am poor, I have a dead end job that doesnt pay my bills and has been a fight to keep for a while now, I have no one to turn to when I need help or support or feel alone and just need to talk...I have nothing. And I sat there as my father yelled at me and told me I was stupid and I have made bad choices this year (which I already new) and I couldnt fight it....It was all true! I look at all my friends who either have support from people at college, or from their boyfriend, or husband, or even just a close friend....I have none of that. I lay there and tryed to figure out what the best plan for my life was as I cant afford to live alone and I need to move in with a roommate in order to eleminate my debt. I had wanted to move to the mainland but until my debt is eleminated I cannot do that. Moving in with these people was my only hope.

My dad told me that his and my mothers prayers had been answered...he prayed that if I ever left God that I would realize that I cant live without him...and its true! My life is done! I have no reason to live anymore, yet even though in the past something like this has led to me wanting to commit suicide, this time thats not the case. And I think its cause I know that if I get back with God this life will be over....and I new one will begin. And even though thats what I want, it scares me. It scares me a lot. But no doubt...its God calling my name. He has closed every door that was ever opened around me, and he hasent opened another window yet. Hes waiting until I ask him too. Im scared, Im scared for what this means and what will happen, Im scared of my life getting worse (dont ask me why but its true) and Im scared of what Gods gonna say when I tell him everything Ive dont wrong this year...even now as I lay on my couch alone I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Has anyone ever been here before??