Brothers and Sisters,

I was trying to write in my journal a couple of weeks ago because I was feeling burdened by a feeling of heaviness. I opened up my journal, and I lay on my bed with a pen, and no words came. Nothing came, but an overwhelming feeling of emptiness, and that didn’t seem like anything profound enough to fill a page, and so I tucked away my journal back into it’s little cubbyhole in my bed, and lay there. I began to cry, quite uncontrollably actually. I had no words to say. No way to describe the hollowness I was feeling. I just lay there, quite before the Lord, ashamed that I had no thoughts to contemplate, nothing to write down.

Empty.

Later that night, while working on some homework, the tears returned. Feeling so overwhelmed, but realistically knowing, that this ache was something much deeper than a stress over school (remember, this is coming from one of the members of the Kaleo all-nighter club). This pain, which I had yet to completely understand, was coming from a feeling of discontentment and complete lack of fulfilment. When my roommate found me in my room and asked me what was wrong, I told her that I couldn’t describe this feeling, all I knew was that I felt hollow. Over the past couple of weeks, I have tried to ignore that. Instead of facing the pain, and trying to understand why it is I had been feeling so lifeless, I tried to suppress it. Filling my day with mindless conversations, and music that allows me to fill my mind with nothing. Basically avoiding silence and solitude at all costs. I knew that something was wrong, but had the most difficult time seeking out the Lord in this, and lived in a sort of safe nothingness. My quiet time was filled with empty prayers, and occasionally skimming over pages in my bible. Sometimes I think about Kaleo, and just weep, feeling such a longing to have that back. The days when I felt like my entire day was spent in conversation of the Lord, and having people loving, encouraging and challenging me daily.

To give some more context, I go to the University of Western Ontario. It is the biggest party school in Canada, and I find myself surrounded by broken people, who desperately need to know the love of Christ. It is fashion show here. Kaleo everydays- hoodies, sweatpants, running shoes just do not suffice. I remember walking through campus last year on my first day, thinking it was ridiculous the way people dressed for school- characterized by their straightened hair, blackberries and ugg boots. It is certainly easy to feel out of place, and over the past year, I have watched myself slowly become like everybody else. Sometimes I catch myself walking through campus with a pair of sunglasses on and my ipod in my ears, completely unengaged, and looking just like anyone else. I can walk to class, sit there, and come home right after. The conversations I have w

ith the people in my classes are often very superficial, and I don’t even seem to notice, laughing at stories of parties on the weekend, and hearing about all the ridiculous trouble my friends have gotten into. It’s just become so normal. This is the place that has found me so completely dissatisfied, and hollow.

I can tell you that I have not been actively pursuing the Lord, but by his love and grace he has been pursuing me ! Praise God, the creator of the universe, for meeting me in my emptiness and speakingto me.

God has completely opened my eyes. I’ll describe this as a giant zooming out.

This right here is pretty much my life for the next 8 months- I either bike or bus from the little A to the B. Come home, sleep, repeat.

It seems that I had forgotten that the world is a lot bigger than these 2.5 km. Last night I was talking to a friend, a sister. She was explaining to me how she had been feeling pretty numb lately, and was hoping to find a way to be refreshed. I began to explain to her that I had been feeling a lot like that myself lately. In voicing these thoughts, I had my eyes opened, and was able to see exactly why. I go to school and come home. Occasionally I’ll go out with friends to a party, and choose not to drink. When asked why I don’t I can so simply say, it’s just not my thing, and watch the conversation come to a close. Not taking part, but not being set apart. Simply Being. Watching days pass, and growing closer to my graduation date.

I have become comfortable.

In class we talk about huge issues of ethics and morals, and people are truly challenged to think for themselves and determine what it is that they believe, but I find it easier to just keep my opinion to myself in order to avoid having my thoughts challenged – knowing well that God has so many times met me, when I step out in faith. But it involves taking a step.

Now Zoom out even more.

Two years ago, I was at the start of an incredible journey. A whole eight months where I was broken down to my very core, filled with love and encouragement, and able to experience deep healing. This was my freedom journey. I was able to connect with 27 brothers and sisters, and experience depth of community and profound teaching. I can specifically remember being terrified of the end of Kaleo. But hearing JimBads talks that we were brought into this community to be challenged and refined, but that this intense community could not last forever- that we were to go out into the world bringing love and hope. An image has stayed in my mind that I think Miranda shared, about being torch-bearers. As we’re spread over the world, that we would each bring our own lights to different places, and bring the light of Christ. That 28 little torches would have the capacity to reach so much more than that one light, and to continue to light more and moretorches. Knowing that we would always be united in love and prayer for one another. This is the body of Christ.

Now zoom back in.

I find myself watching days pass, and living in a safe place. Choosing comfort over self-sacrifice.

Zoom out.

I have been given a gigantic network of broken and hurting people. Ultimately my purpose on this earth is to glorify God in everything I do. Last night the tears came back and in an overwhelming way. This time I was overwhelmed by his grace and surrendered myself to the Lord, so in awe of who he is, and so reminded of the amazing places he has brought me. That I have been feeling this emptiness, because I have not been fulfilling the life he desires for me, but rather just allowing time to pass.

I have been so well-equipped with knowledge and love to go out and share the love of Christ. That is all I want to do. I have know such tremendous grace, and witnessed the miraculous power of the Holy Spirit. I want this love and freedom to pour out of me, that others might see this !

“I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death”

Brothers and sisters, I have been filled with the Spirit. My eyes have been so opened to the person I have become, and the servant I desire to be. Please pray for me, as I enter this time of refining and refreshment. Praise God for His pursuing of me, and for filling the emptiness, which was beginning to feel so normal. I feel joy and excitement, as I enter into this week feeling renewed, and seeking opportunity to share the love of Christ.

Please pray:

o That God would continue to teach and refine me, and that I would continue to seek his glory always

o That I would have a spirit of boldness and love, and that I would be genuine

o That I would be broken for the individuals around me, and that I would be persistent in loving them

o That I would take hold of opportunities to share with others, and that I would have courage

o That I would find a friend to grow and pray with, to be accountable to and challenged by

o That I would grow to love the Lord more each day

I am filled so deeply with joy, and my heart has been softened. I love and miss you all !

In Christ,

Erinlee

P.S. Daniel and I are great.