i'm stuck.

I was ready. Ready to go home, gather my thoughts, build a solid community, get involved, get a job, find a balance and run with it. God wanted me home this summer for some reason and I was ready to follow. Ha. I thought MY plans for following God’s will were pretty fantastic. I guess I was wrong. I’ll be honest; being home has been mostly a load of junk. Details are irrelevant, I suppose. Lets just say reality turned out to be the opposite of my romantic plans. Shocking, I know. Don’t worry; I’m not just sitting around sulking in my own self-pity wondering why things are the way they are (well, maybe sometimes). But really I’ve been trying to keep my head above the water hoping to see how I am to survive this tossing ocean that was supposed to be (in my mind) a comfy little hot tub. And not just survive but actually do some good along the way.

I’ll be honest, I feel very lonely sometimes. Ok, most-times. I miss the community of Kaleo. My attempts to build community here at home are looking more dismal by the minute. I have a few good friends. But there are far too many kinks in what used to be my ‘community’. Kinks that I don’t know what to do with. Kinks that are bigger than myself. Some of these kinks really hurt. I’m not sure why I don’t like asking for prayer. Pride? Arrogance? Shame? Whatever the case, that’s dumb. I need prayer. And my loneliness is really just the final straw. It’s that stroke of selfishness that sends me over the edge and makes me say, “Come on! I have all this crap on my plate PLUS I have no one to talk to?!” By the way, I am desperately awaiting my time at Briercrest.

Now before this gets out of hand I should back up. Despite my frustrations, there is much good happening. Upon my arrival home I was attacked with phone calls from people trying to get me involved in various ministries. Hooray for opportunities… I was so annoyed. I’ve learned to say no over the years and this was a perfect opportunity for practice. I was getting good. I was shoot em’ down left and right. Sometimes I could even do two at a time. The smoke rolled out of the barrel and I was pleased. I was arrogant and wrong. I let my frustrations get the best of me and I acted foolishly at times. Fortunately, God saved me as well as one of my victims.

I got a second call from a guy that I had originally turned down. He asked if I was interested in helping with a small youth group that meets out of his house. I knew the guy pretty well and I knew of a house church that he started up about a year ago. Apparently, God has been working overtime with this group over the past year and from this little church sprang a little youth group. There are anywhere from 20-40 middle school and high school youth that meet at this guy’s house every Sunday night in the small town of Pecatonica, IL. I have been blessed to be able to lead their worship every Sunday as well as help start up and lead a Wednesday night bible study. I’m so glad we have a merciful God that can look past me being an idiot. Like I said, I’m really blessed to be a part of this group.

However, like I was saying before, there is a lot of behind the scenes baggage that is getting pretty heavy. It seems like I’m spending all day trying to pry myself from this load so I can lay it down before God. Then the next morning I find it all strapped to me once again. This cycle is getting dumb. And it’s difficult to focus on anything and be even remotely productive in this condition. Man, I feel like I’m complaining and I hate that. And I hate asking for prayer. I find it easier to help other people with their problems rather than facing my own. Who knew that helping people could be selfish? So yea, I would appreciate prayer from you guys. And I miss you all like crazy.