Love Always Hopes

My dear, dear Kaleo Family.
Words cannot adequately express how I feel at this current moment. Years of anger, hurt, and bitterness have been exposed and now expelled in only minutes. We serve a God who listens; a God who hears us when we pray and loves us with a love that breaks for us.

I talked to my dad tonight. Allow me to back things up a bit. This has been something that has been on my heart all last semester. During a campus wide day of prayer God brought to my attention that there were areas in my life that I needed to give over {with reckless abandon} which would mean obedience. He struck me with the realization that I cannot go into the world to present a message of forgiveness and reconciliation if there were things in my own life that require repair. Yes, I have grasped the things of the past with clenched fists; content to wallow in feelings of bitterness and hurt. I've known for a whole semester that I needed to reach out, risk everything, and talk to my dad, which was really something that I've never had a desire to do before. It's crazy how God softens hearts and how his grace is so evident in the ways that he continues to work through our stubbornness and hearts of stone. Just before the Christmas break my dad called me. This was completely out of the blue. He called for a brief 7 minutes and 46 seconds to ask how I was and to say he missed me. After I hung up I knew that through the phone call God was confirming that a confrontation had to take place. I questioned at first why I hadn't brought things up right then and there. Clearly, God's timing is perfect. I went home at Christmas with the expectation that God would create the ideal context for a conversation to take place. When he didn't, I became frustrated and confused. I wondered what I was doing wrong. Christmas was okay, but the distance and tension in my family was threaded throughout the entire break. I was able to have conversations with one of my sisters and sensed that the bitterness and I hurt I was experiencing was very real to her as well. I will admit that my attitude towards my dad during the three weeks I was at home was not always honoring to God. I failed a number of times as I resorted to anger instead of patience. I returned to Caronport with a sinking feeling of restlessness and incompletion. The three weeks that I"ve been back here have been a bit of struggle as there were several times I felt compelled to call my mom and talk some things through with her before I approached my dad. Again, God's perfect timing continues to astonish me.

Today began as a normal Saturday. I went to library with two of my dearest friends hereto tackle the ever-pending homework. As usual when we attempt to do homework together, distractions are inevitable. Through a conversation that was completely interpreted wrong, three of us entered into a conversation that revolved around the devastation in saying goodbye to a spouse through death compared to saying goodbye to a spouse through divorce. Eventually we ended up on the topic of our dads and the brokenness of our families. I crumbled. I broke down as I felt hopelessness begin to creep in. Things seemed so dark and beyond repair. I was reminded by my friend as she cried out to the Lord on my behalf to bring healing in this situation that it is never too late. The words of my other friend stuck me deeply as he stated from 1 Corinthians 13 that 'love always hopes.' And it does. Throughout the rest of the day I felt restless. As I crawled into bed I suddenly reached for my phone to call my mom with intentions of talking to her about my dad. Before I dialed I prayed a few sentences. I asked God that if I was supposed to talk to my mom about this, she would pick up the call. I prayed that He would give me words. I called and my dad answered. I got the strangest feeling. We made small talk and he was about to hang up when it got silent. I blurted out, "Dad........I really miss you." From there he broke. I broke. God broke us both. We both sobbed. I told him repeatedly that I missed him and loved him. I apologized for my part in the past. I told him that it wasn't too late. To hear my dad sob through the phone and tell me that he was sorry that he hadn't told me that he loved me in years broke my heart. I was able to verbally say "I forgive you" and for the first time in my life truly mean it. I still am absolutely astonished that this conversation took place. My dad kept on saying that he's not well (which is true, his depression has taken such a firm hold over his life) but that he wants to change and that he will get help. He told me that he felt like no one understood him and that was utterly alone. I don't remember all the words I said and I know for a fact that they could never have come from my lips alone. My dad ended the conversation pleading for prayer. That cry for help left me speechless. As my friend prayed earlier, she asked for God to humble my dad. Without a spirit of humbleness, my dad would have never been able to ask for prayer. It is not too late and I know with assurance that God is not finished with my dad and is only beginning the healing process in my family. I am aware that things will not fall into place without more struggle. It will not be easy. My dad is sick and in need of healing that only comes from God's hand; not from an prescription for anti-depressants. I still have fears, I still have questions. Much is left to be done, but I am convinced that hope is not dead. The Lord through his grace chose to specifically answer years of prayer today. What an awesome God we serve. I believe that this is a process that started as God began to break me down in Kaleo; and he is not finished yet. I have so much hope. This is a story of forgiveness that God has pieced together with many conversations and experiences. My friends, my dearly loved brothers and sisters; God is good.

I'm sure there is much more I could write, but I want to ask you to join with me as I rejoice in this victory that occurred today. However I also ask for continued prayer. Prayer that the Lord would keep me steadfast in prayer for my dad. For soft hearts for the rest of my family. For a willingness to forgive and love without reservation. Thank you. I love you all dearly and my heart aches as I miss each of you.

Love always hopes,

Jordana