Unconditional Servant

Hey,
It's me, desiring to be Sacrifical Love. I guess I’ll start out from the beginning and work my way til now. After finishing Kaleo I spent about a week with my grandparents traveling back to Bonnyville and once we arrived they stayed to visit with my parents. After they left life finally began to get back to normal, I was able to leave the house and so I went to Wilkie, Saskatchewan to visit Jahnaya and then took off to Kindersley and Lloyd where I was able to see some friends. I then went home and this past weekend went to Brooks Alberta to visit family there and was blessed as Jonathan came down on Saturday. (It was so good to be able to see part of our Kaleo family again!) So that in short is what I have physically been doing.

Mentally and spiritually I have been quite busy as well. Since coming back from Kaleo I have been overwhelmed with trying to figure out what it is that I want to do next year, or as I claim, what God wants me to do. I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this stressed out. I have had reminders from people to “trust in the Lord and he will guide you as long as your heart is focused on him” and to those statements I have been ignorantly nodding my head as to say “I know that” and then continuing on to rely on my own reasoning to pick a place and a program. This has been going on since Kaleo and I have been spending plenty of time looking at different websites trying to find out more about their programs. Well yesterday after much stress and anxiety I finally decided to slow down and to read some articles on those websites about God’s calling. This has been convicting, helpful and humbling.

Every paper I have read starts out by stating the importance of acknowledging the absolute lordship of God in every choice of life and how this is vital in order to hear God’s call and it may be the only call we have. What is disturbing is I’ve heard this so much lately and when I’ve heard it I have purposefully neglected it. I know that this is something I am struggling with. I know that especially lately and even throughout Kaleo I have neglected to put God on the throne and knock myself off. Today I went through Lordship Week notes, which was one of the most impactful weeks I had on my DTS with YWAM. So yet again many reminders were given and when reading through them I have been so tempted to shut off these important messages because I don’t want to go through the trouble of heart surgery. I have been selfish.

I guess in a way this is my confession to you and to God, as well as the recognition that I am in need of prayer. I have been fighting and procrastinating acknowledging him as Lord, even though it sounds so stupid as all I desire in life is to serve his people and the lost in hopes of bringing them into a loving relationship with God and to help restore their relationships with eachother. Yet even though this is my desire I have walked away from the very thing that I want to steer them towards. I want to have sacrificial love and display that to them, I want to work with youth and be a mom and friend to those youth who do not have good support systems at home however in my attempt to find a plan or course of action (schooling) to better equip me I have been running into a brick wall.

When naming myself I was initially thinking along the lines of unconditional love or sacrificial servant. Then it clicked that I need to have sacrificial love and be an unconditional servant. In order to not crowd my name up I chose sacrificial love because that is what I desire and need. But with this sacrificial love I have been concentrating on loving others that I have fallen away from my first love, God. I am now seeing the need to mention the second part “Unconditional Servant”. In order for loving others to not be worthless I need to acknowledge him and I need to be his unconditional servant. I can love people but if that does not come from God it is empty and if I do not display complete devotion to him it is in vain and will not make an eternal difference.

I have been worrying as to where these different roads of schooling will lead me and it scares me to a point where I have been 100% certain of where to go but then within a week it swings 100% certain the other way. I’m in need of not worrying whether I have what it takes or whether I can be that person but rather I need to be drawing close to God and concentrating on “am I glorifying God and how can I glorify God?” Cindy Ruakere’s song “Receive” quotes from a 19 year old Moravian Missionary right before he sold himself into slavery in order to share the gospel with slaves in the lyrics “I give up my life as a offering, that the lamb may receive the reward for his suffering, that the lamb may receive his reward through me.” I have concentrated on people and wanting to love them sacrificially but it has not come from a desire to glorify God, it has come from a desire to be someone who brings about changed lives not as one who serves the only One possible of changing lives. It has come from a selfish desire of wanting to be used by God and trying to be used by God instead of putting him first and giving him the right to guide my steps and not being worried of if I can be a vessel used to bring about change for his glory and to his name.

My reason for sharing this is to call me out on my own selfishness and stubbornness and to confess it to you before God and to ask that you would keep me in your prayers as I journey through this. If you could pray that I would not procrastinate or be stubborn and avoid coming to terms with issues like Lordship just because I know it takes times and energy and is hard, but that I would desire nothing more than to be broken and to work out my faith with fear and trembling. I selfishly would like to ask for you to pray that God would guide me but that’s not what I need, I need prayer that I would grow in love towards my Father and that I would acknowledge Him as that’s the only way in which he can make my paths straight. With that said if you could also pray that my motivation to know Him is not to know what path to take but out of a sincere love and devotion to the King who has saved me by his grace and not by my works or good motives. If you could pray that I would be sensitive to him and that I could not turn off my mind and heart to him but rather be open to him and his work in my life even though it takes time.

Sorry for the long message, I have tried to split it up to make it easier but I think more than anything this is something I needed to do and I am thankful for you who have been able to stick it out and now journey with me.

To God be the Glory!